DAN's world cup newsletter vol. 1
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Chaps, it is nearly upon us and the excitement and anticipation is nearly killing me. As has been my wont in recent years the time has come for me to put my thoughts on the upcoming festive feast of football down on paper. If you want expert knowledge read the Times. On the other hand if you enjoy the thoughts of a football fan with all the petty prejudices and ill-considered rants that follow, read on!!
A few points before we start:
This won’t be Spain’s year, it never is!
At no point in my musings will you hear the following favoured terms of your usual lazy football hack:
a) Efficient Germans.
b) Naïve Africans.
c) Champagne football.
d) Eastern Europeans are good on the ball.
e) No plan B.
f) Penalties are a cruel way to settle a game.
g) Group of death.
In this first the issue I’ll go through each group giving me thoughts and predictions.
Group A
At first glance this is a clear cut group with Poland and the Krauts expected to qualify comfortably. However there could be the odd upset here, both on and off the field. At first glance Ecuador and Costa Rica look like whipping boys but the big two need to watch themselves. Ecuador play their home qualifying games at altitude and have this factor to thank that they are at the world cup. As a result I feel that Ecuador will be on the first flight home. Costa Rica on the other hand are well capable of punching above their weight. In the last world cup they failed to qualify from the group on goal difference, and this was a group which contained two of the semi-finalists. Another factor is the “opening game” jinx. Costa Rica play The Krauts in the opening fixture and one only need look at France Senegal from last time round to realise that there is the potential for things to go tits up. Off the field the Polish fans are turning up mob-handed with a group of nutters which make Chelsea and Cardiff’s finest look like a bunch of choir boys. (Apparently there’s some historical animosity between the Poles and Germans.) Despite all the above I expect Germany to win the group and the Poles to come second.
Group B
Blah, blah, blah Rooney’s foot waffle, waffle football’s coming home etc etc.
England and Sweden to qualify as this group is as piss easy as they come.
Group C
This is it boys, this is what the world cup is all about! By far the most difficult group with two very capable European teams, the best of the Africans and the glorious Argentines. On paper the Dutch and the Argies should qualify but the world cup isn’t played on paper is it? The two opening games will set the tone for the group. If the Argies hit the ground running and beat Ivory Coast and the Dutch see off the Serbs then you’d expect this group to run to form. However if Ivory Coast get anything from the Argies and the Ethnic Cleansers beat the Edam Clog Hashish Porn Mongers then it will be a case of any of the four being able to qualify. Of the four I think the Argies have the strongest team and if the mental attitude is right, could go a long way. The Dutch will always entertain and if the inevitable dressing room bust-up could be put off till after the world cup they could also threaten in the latter stages. The Serbs looked very strong in qualification and I’m particularly looking forward to seeing the Ivory Coast playing on a real football pitch unlike the dirt tracks used in the African Cup of Nations. Argies top, Ear Slicing Artists second.
Group D
Yawn, yawn. Don’t think I’ll bother with this one. Angola and Iran, don’t get too comfy! Portugal and Mexico, you won’t have to try too hard to get through!! Portugal top, Speedy Gonzalesssssss’ second!
Group E
Unlike Groups B and D this one is a belter. The Wops and the Czechs are both top quality sides and should both qualify. The Yanks and Ghana won’t roll over and could provide the odd scare along the way but I can’t see them being good enough to upset the big two. Unlike the Turf Accountants I think the Czechs are favourites to win this group and for those of you who like a wager, at 33/1 are well worth an each way bet for the tournament. The Wops need to watch themselves as defending a one goal lead is not as easy as it used to be and if their mental attitude isn’t right they could end up with Spaghetti Bolognese all over their faces. I think the Czech/Italy game on the 22nd of June will settle this group. Czechs top, Wops second.
Group F
Brazil, it’s just like watching Brazil…….etc etc. This group will be a good opportunity to sing the above ditty as you will actually be watching Brazil. Keepie uppie, tricks, samba drums, fit women in bikinis jiggling in the crowd, Hooray for Brazil. Brazil will win this group at a canter with the real interest coming in the battle for second spot. The pot bellied racists from Australia are a decent team and in Gus Hiddinck have one of the best coaches in the world. Croatia have the pedigree and although not as good as the class of ’98 are still a very good team. The Seafood Sadists from the Land of the Rising Electronic Gadgets are the weakest of the four and without the home advantage enjoyed last time out shouldn’t pose too many problems and will finish bottom. If I was pushed into a corner at knife point and was forced to choose I’d probably go for Croatia to qualify. Ohhh Aye E Aye oooh Brazil top, Croatia second.
Group G
Despite the fact that the Garlic Frog Boys have had to call many of their players out of retirement to qualify they should make fairly easy work of this group. The only other half decent team are the Toblerones and they’re no great shakes are they? I for one cried into my beer when the little munchkins from Korea reached the last world cup semi-finals through a combination of luck and extremely dodgy refing decisions. It’ll be nice to see them put back in their place in a tournament played in the real heartland of Association Football. I know nothing at all about Togo so they can’t be any good! France to win, Cuckoo Clocks second.
Group H
As pointed out at the start, this won’t be Spain’s year but they’ll qualify from the group stages. Or will they? The problem with Spain is that the whole is much poorer than the sum of its parts. They have world class players all over the park but when the red jersey goes on they seem to shrink into the background. As a result my favourites for this group are The Chicken Kievs of Ukraine. They were the first Europeans to qualify for the tournament and are not just a one man team (Shevy Chase). Granted you might not have heard of many of their players but you may well be talking about them once the tournament starts. The Saudis are shit and could be the subject of the odd severe spanking. The Tunisians, on the other hand, could be the shock team of this group. Expecting as I am a poor display form the Spaniards it could be the Wily Tunisians who benefit just as they did in days of yore when the Carthaginians dominated the Mediterranean. I hear ambulances being called and men in white coats being summoned but mark my words it might just happen. Ukraine top, Tunisia second!
I hope my humble musings will stimulate debate and look forward to keeping you posted as the competition develops
Happy world cup and may it be the first of many.
Many thanks to Dan Huws for the above article